Tavaar - 19th Edition

Tavaar would try one more time to win Shello back. Actually, she tried to seduce him. She went to the Great Hall and found him at the stable. She tried to get him to lay with her, but he wouldn't. Probably because he knew Klarissa was on her way to meet him there. Klarissa caught them together.

I'm passing over the next few years. Tavaar ceased her courting, but not her playing. Males weren't seen as potential mates. They were pleasure objects. In the year 325 her best friend, Sashwa, entered military service with her twin brother, Wheylin. For those of you familiar with Book I (which is none of you), Wheylin becomes Tavaar's husband. Book I hints at some kind of scandal associated with the marriage. Today's passage explains the scandal.

It isn't a well-written passage, so I apologize up front. I was "winging" it, letting the characters struggle to find their own way through. Motivations were weak. I was too eager to just get it written. A lot of infodump, too. The idea is correct, but it needs to be reworked. I found myself in this mode for an entire year of Tavaar's life. Then I think it got better. To make this even worse, it's long. Sorry. Anyway.

Formatting: Text notes; Text narrative; Blog notes.

Tavaar lay back on her bed, letting the feather mattress and pillow cradle her like loving arms. All day she had waited for Sashwa’s company to return. Actually, she had been waiting several days, ever since Sashwa’s letter arrived stating they would arrive before year’s first moon. That was just three days away.

She missed her friend. Sashwa had left to join the military ranks last year. It had been lonely without her. She had been granted no return visits since her departure. In just over one hundred days Tavaar would also turn twenty-six. Then she would be with her friend again. But now Sashwa’s company was to pass by Gahrem, actually staying at the village a few days to rest. It was going to be great seeing her again.1

There was a soft knock and her door opened. Only two people would ever dare do that: Sashwa; and her mother. Tavaar sat up expectantly, but sank back down in disappointment as her mother’s face greeted her. She said something, but Tavaar wasn’t listening. She just grunted affirmation and her mother left.

Where was Sashwa?

Hopefully, there hadn’t been a change in plans. Tavaar didn’t know if she could bear that. It seemed as if her life was just a series of disappointments, beginning with her first loss in the mock sword championships and continuing to last year, when she not only lost her best friend to the military, but Khaiu, the one she had most wanted (and first tried) to court had married. He hadn’t even married within the family. His wife was a Northlander.2 Tavaar didn’t know a lot about them, but she was studying up. How Khaiu had got permission, she didn’t know, but she had her suspicions. Not long after learning of Khaiu’s marriage, she had broken family law and tried to disrupt Shello and Klarissa’s courtship. Shello was Khaiu’s younger brother and also greatly loved by Tavaar. She had gone to him on his birthday, hoping to convince him to love her. Ultimately, she had resorted to begging, and tried to convince him to lay with her. He refused. And then they had been caught by Klarissa. Klarissa had been angry enough to kill. There were days when Tavaar wished she had. Days like today, when once again she was cheated of hope. But Shello had stopped any action. Neither had Tavaar been brought before the Council. Apparently, the couple decided it didn’t matter, as they had chosen to marry; something they did this year, just four days ago. That was why she needed Sashwa. She was so terribly lonely, and always Sashwa had been able to restore her to joy. But not today.

There was another knock on her door. It remained closed. That meant it wasn’t Sashwa. Tavaar called out and the door opened to reveal Wheylin, Sashwa’s twin brother.

Even putting gender aside, there was not a lot Wheylin and Sashwa had in common. Whereas Sashwa was lighthearted, free and fun, Wheylin was quiet, reserved and fairly unimaginative.4 Sashwa was proving herself to be an excellent warrior, eager for exploration. Wheylin had never been overly interested in warrior skills. His interests revolved around the mines, their productivity and ways to improve the digging and transportation processes.

Wheylin had joined the military. All single family members were required to join for at least one year. For those who’s warrior skills were very limited, one year was all anyone could take. (Except for those born to the Defense Line. They were military all their lives until exempted at the age of one hundred.5) Stronger warriors would serve longer, until they were married, and often longer. The best warriors would remain until the birth of their first child. Then they would be exempt until their youngest turned six. Should both parents be highly skilled warriors, the better, or the elder, would return to service first. The other would wait until the youngest child turned seventeen. Although not completely useless with a sword, Wheylin was not nearly as good as Sashwa. Depending on who she eventually wed, Sashwa was likely to be recalled to military service when her youngest child (yet to be born) turned six, or maybe seventeen. Wheylin would probably serve two or three years and then be permanently released to work in his precious mines.

Tavaar was excited to see Wheylin, however. Apart from his having been an often play companion of hers and Sashwa’s6, Wheylin was in the same company as Sashwa. So, if he was here, that meant Sashwa had arrived, too.

“Wheylin! Hello. I’m so glad to see you,” said Tavaar, rising and giving him a welcome kiss.

“Hello, Tavaar.”

“Come in. Sit down. Tell me how things have been. Where is Sashwa?”

She returned to her bed and sat down. Wheylin did not follow. He remained at the door looking uncomfortable.7

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I have disappointing news,” said Wheylin.

“Oh?”

“Yes. Sashwa is not going to be here today.”

He said it as though apologizing.

“She’s not hurt is she?”

“No, no. She’s fine. Well, I expect she is. She told me to let you know she will be a day or two longer.”

“Why? I thought you were all on leave or something.”

“We kind of are.”

“Kind of? Wheylin, just close the door and come sit down. What is Sashwa up to that she isn’t coming home?”

Wheylin closed the door and came and sat down on Tavaar’s bed. Although Wheylin tended to be shy and uncertain with girls and women, he had grown up in the same house as Tavaar.

“So, where is Sashwa, and what is she doing?”

“Well, I really don’t know where she is. As to what she’s doing, though, I think I can guess.”

“Oh!” cried Tavaar, falling back onto her pillow. "Is that why she’s late coming to see me? She’s found someone to play with? How long has this been going on?”

“They do it all the time,” said Wheylin, with annoyance.

“What? All the time? What does Captain Kelenbah say?”

“Well, he’s part of it.”

“No! He is? My goodness, Wheylin. Does your company ever do real duty?”

“We do. But there isn’t much to concern us to the northeast. Mostly, we sit about. Then people start pairing off. If it gets to a ranking officer, we are all going to suffer.”

“That's true,” said Tavaar. Then, with a mischievous glint in her eyes. “Who pairs off with you?”

Wheylin looked startled. “Me?”

“Yes, you. Who’s been playing with you? Come on, you can tell me.”

“No one.”

She sat back up and began harassing him. “No, really. Tell me. Who is it?”

“No one, Tavaar! Stop it. I’m not going to lie and say no. You ought to know that. If I was going to lie, I would say there was someone, but she didn’t want me to tell. But no one picks me. Not anyone. So I get to stand guard duty while the others have their fun.”

Tavaar’s heart went out to Wheylin. He was trying to sound like it didn’t matter, but she knew him well enough to hear the hurt in his voice. She bowed her head.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“About guard duty? Don’t be. In truth, I prefer it to sitting in camp and having to watch the others.”

“If you aren’t always given guard duty, then there must bothers who aren’t joining in?”

“Yes. Only about half the company does it.”

“Then maybe you could pair up with someone?”

“You don’t understand, Tavaar. The company is mostly male (actually, I didn't/don't know that this is true - I haven't finished establishing military duty for individuals yet), and they are the only ones not participating. And the reason they aren’t joining in is because it isn’t their turn.”

Tavaar was horrified.

“Wheylin, there are married couples in your company. Are you telling me that the wives are playing with males who aren’t their husbands?”

“Maybe. I don’t know for certain. Sometimes I think so, but I can’t say I’ve actually seen anything. I just know that most everyone in the company is – friendly – with the others.”

“If wives are participating by playing with males, or passing their husbands about, this is worse than bad, Wheylin. Are people actually – laying together?”

“The marrieds are. That I do know. But that’s allowed, as long as they aren’t on watch or patrol or anything like that. As to the singles, or married with anyone but their spouse, I don’t think so. It’s almost like a bonfire.”

“Well, if that’s the case, it may not be as bad as you made it seem. I’ve heard stories of company life. I just never knew how much to believe.”

“You can believe a lot.”

They sat in silence for a while. Tavaar was thinking about Sashwa and Ahzbah. They must be loving military life. Especially Ahzbah.

“Don’t blame them, Tavaar,” urged Wheylin. “The truth is, there isn’t that much to do out there.”

He kept his head bowed. Again she felt sorry for him. Wheylin had never had much success with this kind of thing.

“Wheylin? Why has no one – paired off with you? Do you know?”

He turned his face from her.

“I’m sorry! Forgive me. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, it’s okay, Tavaar. You have a right to be curious.”

“That doesn’t make it right to ask.”

“It doesn’t matter. We’ve been friends all our lives. I guess I can tell you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to. Maybe, if I just say it out loud.”

“Say what?”

He looked her in her eyes. She saw his fatalistic resolve.

“I don’t know how to do it,” he said.

“What?”

“I don’t know how to do it!”

She shook her head. “I don’t understand. You don’t know how to do what?”

Wheylin grew frustrated. “Behave with a girl! I don’t – do it well. They find me dull, and inferior. I don’t satisfy.”

“Are you talking about…”

“Everything! Tavaar, I can’t even kiss right. I’m going to be twenty-seven and I’ve only been courted twice. And neither of those for very long. Remember Ilahdda? When she told me she wanted to end it, she said she’d have more fun courting her brother. Tafell said she was amazed at how dull Sashwa’s twin was. And you know what, Tavaar? Tafell was right. Sashwa knows how to have fun. Why can’t I have got anything from her?”

“Well, she’s not likely to be teaching you anything, is she?”

Wheylin didn’t appreciate the joke.

“You know what I mean.”

Tavaar sighed, apologetically.

“Yes, I do. You think she got all the fun and you the feelings of responsibility?”

“It isn’t fair. I’d like to have fun, too.”

“I know.”

She put her hand on his shoulder as a comforting gesture. Suddenly, he looked at her. There was hope in his eyes.

“Would you teach me?” he asked.

“Teach you? Teach you what?”

"Everything. How to kiss. How to hold a girl. How to be with her so she finds me pleasing.”

She pushed away from him. “Wheylin! Don’t be disgusting. I can’t do that with you.”

“Why not? It’s not like I’m your brother.”

“You kind of are. At least, that’s the way it feels sometimes.”

“But you could teach me so much,” Wheylin pleaded. “I know you could. I’ve heard you and Sashwa talking about things.”

“What things?”

“Like when you arranged for Sashwa to meet with Jamvahn.”

Tavaar’s eyes widened. “You know about that?”

“Yes. Don’t worry. I’m not going to tell. If I was, I would have done so a long time ago. Come on. I’m not asking you to court me. Just show me what I can do. I want to be able to attract a wife before I have to become an Explorer or something. You know I could never do that. Please, Tavaar. Just show me what to do.”

“Wheylin, please,” groaned Tavaar.

“Come on, Tavaar. It isn’t like you’ve never kissed someone you didn’t care about. Both you and Sashwa have told me stories.”

Tavaar sighed. That was true. She had played and toyed with many males she had no particular feelings for. She had even let Jamvahn, who Wheylin just mentioned, slip his hands under her tunic and bring them down to untie her britches. Only Sashwa’s appearance had prevented her from deciding how much she was going to let, or make, Jamvahn do. It was just that she had never even considered Wheylin. He wasn’t her brother, but neither had he ever appeared desirable. She couldn’t even recall if she had ever kissed him at a bonfire. But, she did care for him. He was Sashwa’s brother, after all. And there would be a bonfire in just a couple of days. If she could help him link up with someone, then all for the good.

“All right, Wheylin,” she said, without enthusiasm. “But only today. Okay? I don’t want this to become something you’re expecting again. Just this once. Okay?”

Wheylin swallowed. “Okay. But show me everything. All right?”

Tavaar tilted her head back and took a breath. “Everything,” she sighed. “Wheylin, you don’t even know what you’re asking.”

“So show me.”

“Well, we’ll see. Let’s just start simple, shall we? Show me how you kiss.”

For all his eagerness, Wheylin now appeared quite nervous. Hesitantly, he took hold of her shoulders and leaned toward her. She forced herself to relax and accept what was coming, whatever it might be. His lips pressed against hers and she made herself respond. It was nothing, though, and as her lips began to move he pulled away, looking at her like a small dog seeking approval from its master.

“So, what do you think?” he asked.

What she thought was, this was a terrible idea and she already regretted agreeing to it. She was far less cruel in her words.

“It’s a start. We’ve done it once, so I guess that will make it easier to do it again. But this time I want you to hold me different.”

“How?”

“Put your hands on my sides and pull me close. And when you kiss me – try to let yourself go. Hold me tight in your arms. Enjoy what I’m giving and respond in kind. Have fun.”

“I’ll try.”

He didn’t sound encouraging, but he followed her instructions to the letter. He grabbed her, pulled her close, kissed her, held her tight (too tight), and then did everything she did. Tavaar felt no passion or excitement of any kind. Wheylin had no naturalness about him. Everything he did was calculated as though he were studying data on mine improvements. She doubted he was enjoying this much more than she was. Wheylin was just too clinical. Releasing whatever passion he might actually have was going to demand drastic action. He was worse than Jamvahn. But then Sashwa had found Jamvahn most entertaining. Cringing, Tavaar knew what she was going to have to do. Why, oh why, had she agreed to this?

“Slide your hand down to the hem of my tunic,” she said, gently.

“What for?”

“Just do it, Wheylin.”

Obediently, Wheylin’s hands dropped to her waist.

“Now, you need to keep kissing while you do this, but since I’m talking I want you to kiss my neck.”

“Where?”

“Pick a spot, Wheylin! Now, once your hands reach my waist, you wait for my reaction. If I bring my hands down like this, you bring yours back to where they were. If I do nothing, or raise up like this, that means you have permission.”

“Permission to what?”

“Oh, Wheylin! Use your imagination. Look where your hands are.”

He looked down.

“Oh.” Then he gasped. “Oh!”

“Yes. No, go ahead, but not too fast. I don’t want you tearing this.”

“But – I mean – is it all right?”

“Of course not! That’s the whole point, you silly ass.”

She could almost hear his heart pounding as his hands lipped under her tunic and began to slide gently upward. She returned to kissing him to prevent more stupid questions. As her tunic lifted and his hands finally reached their goal, she noticed a definite change in Wheylin’s approach. He was still inexperienced and clumsy, but he was starting to demonstrate spontaneous action. His approach was very gentle, as though he feared he might somehow injure her. She was surprised to find she actually liked it. But then, her breasts had always been sensitive. Anyone could please her by being gentle. Still, perhaps Wheylin did have some of his sister’s sparkle. Maybe all it needed was a chance. So, although she hadn’t intended to let things go even this far, she decided to go to the limit. She dropped her hands down to his britches and began to untie the lace. Wheylin immediately stopped what he was doing and pulled away, staring at her in shock. Tavaar paused.

“What are you doing?” he gasped.

“This can make it very fun,” she said.

“But we can’t!”

“We’re not going to lay together. I don’t do that. Not with anyone. However, by loosening our britches, we create a suggestion which can be quite tantalizing. Also, hands can get into britches as well as tunics, you know. Now, this is what you’re going t do. You are going to go back to what you were doing – I like how you’re doing that, by the way.”

“You do?” he asked, sitting up with a boyish smile of pleasure.

“Yes,” she said, smiling for the first time. “Maybe you’re not so brotherly after all.”

“Maybe we can do this again?”

She laughed. “Maybe. But we haven’t finished this time yet, silly. Now, we’re going to do what we were doing, but this time when I begin to untie your britches I want you to untie mine. Don’t get carried away! Always remember you are the male and can do nothing more than I allow. Be alert for any sign I want you to quit. Okay?”

“Okay.”

She laughed again. He sounded completely breathless. They came together again. Wheylin was full of expectation now, which was what she had been aiming for. When her hands dropped his reached her britches first. Once untied, she slid his down just a bit. She let him do the same for her. His legs were stretched out now, and she sat astride him. Unable to resist, she let her hand drift over the front of his britches. She left it in place long enough for him to realize where she was touching him. It didn’t take long. He fell backward on the bed, pulling her with him. She let him slip her tunic over her head. He took his off. Shaking, she lay back against him, and the touch of their skin made him go wild – for Wheylin. She decided to give him one last treat. Pressing herself against him, she began to slide up and down his front. She knew what was going to happen, and with Wheylin hyped up as he was, it probably wouldn’t take long. The bed was rocking now as Wheylin’s body responded violently to her actions. She thought she heard it bump the wall. Then…

“Tavaar!”

Her head snapped up as she looked with horror and dread to see her mother standing just inside the open door. Tavaar tried to get up, but Wheylin was holding her tight, one hand against her back and one down the back of her britches. Both were pulling her tight.

“Let go!” she hissed, fighting free and sitting up.Only now did Wheylin appear to realize what was going on. He made a choking sound and pulled his feet from under Tavaar. Tavaar felt empty and sick. This was bad. This was so bad.

1 I hadn’t worked out how the military was structured at this time. Actually, I still have a lot of work to do on that. By the end of this journal (two) I was thinking that companies were formed from single villages, such as Gahrem. Villages too small to form their own company would be merged with neighboring villages. Gahrem, being one of the larger villages, would have had its own company. Hence, all members of Sashwa’s company would come from Gahrem Village.

2 One cannot be too sure of it, but I suspect Khaiu marrying outside the family was actually a bit of a relief to Tavaar. It would allow her to continue to believe in her heart that no other girl in the family was better for him than her. What is interesting is that Tavaar has taken a new interest in the Northlanders.

4 This is an unfair description of Wheylin, but it is made through Tavaar’s perspective. Wheylin wasn’t interested in the things Tavaar and Sashwa were, and so as regarded those areas of life, he was unimaginative and dull. However, when it came to his work, Wheylin was intelligent, energetic and completely filled with imagination. It was a case of interest, not character or ability. The only assessment Tavaar made which was absolutely true was in warrior skills. Wheylin was a poor warrior – as regarded family comparisons.

5 Imagine being stuck in a job for seventy or eighty years and having no interest or real ability in it? Talk about purgatory or hell on earth. But for many family members, freedom was a dream. This was especially so for the Unaligned.

6 Not that kind of play. Tavaar had no physical interest in Wheylin, and Sashwa was not going to ‘play’ with her brother.

7 This is our first real introduction of Wheylin, despite his being Sashwa’s brother and supposedly having been Tavaar’s often play partner. The most likely reason is that Wheylin HAD been an often play partner, when Tavaar was a young girl and romantic play had yet to become part of her life. Once she learned the joys of the latter play Tavaar probably didn’t have much to do with Wheylin anymore. What we learn about Wheylin is that, while he may not have been an active participant in Sashwa and Tavaar’s fun, he was observant of it. And, like most wall flowers, longed to joined in. Notice that Tavaar has him shut the door. This was not a preliminary to “fun”. It was to shut her mother out. Wheylin makes no false assumptions about Tavaar’s intent. I regret much about Wheylin, for I failed to include him much in the journal writings. Hence, he is a difficult character to pin down. At times he is amazingly liberal and understanding. At others, he is highly conservative and pouty.