Tavaar - 11th Edition

Yesterday Tavaar went to Khaiu and offered courtship. Khaiu turned her down, citing vague premonitions of "destiny". Today we will continue from later in the same day. Tavaar slips out of the Great Hall by means of a side door and returns to her carriage. About halfway back to Gahrem Village she orders a halt and gets out, ordering her driver, Jamvahn, and coachman, Hiljam (brothers), to take the carriage back without her. She wanders the woods, seeking to come to terms with her disappointment and grief. When she reaches Gahrem it is dark. She goes to the carriage house and finds someone there. It is Jamvahn, who is *Unaligned.

I think I mentioned the Unaligned in some earlier post, but I will provide a quick description again. The Unaligned were also descended from the same sets of twins as everyone else. However, being conceived before one's parents were married, or being born to an Unaligned couple meant one was automatically Unaligned. Over time they became the servant class. Many in the family looked down on them as being somehow inferior.

Formatting: Text notes; Text narrative; Blog notes.

It was dark now. She was going to go home, but something drew her to the carriage house instead. There was a light. Someone was there. She entered and saw the light emanated from a single lantern. A lone figure was polishing carriages. It was Jamvahn. He paused in his work as she neared.

“My Lady. It is a relief to see you. We have all been concerned. Lady Taylich and Lord Odelmaar will be glad to know you have returned. Shall I go inform them?”

“No. I will go to the house myself directly. Why are you here?”

“Your father, Lord Odelmaar, was angry when we returned without you. I was given the task of polishing carriages. Hiljam has been cleaning stables.”

She looked at the carriage he was working on. It was a small, black courting carriage, built to seat two, with no driver’s bench or groomsman’s station. The seats were velour, and a fold-down top lay against the back.

“You have been polishing all afternoon?”

“Mostly, my Lady.”

“I’m sorry. I never meant to cause you trouble. I just – I needed some time to myself.”

“I bear no ill will, my Lady. Are you – well again?”

Her head snapped toward him. She wondered how much he knew, or guessed. She had not come out the door she had entered. And he had to have noticed she had been crying. His face showed concern, as though he longed to comfort. She wished he could. But he was Unaligned.

“Have you done my carriage yet?” she asked.

“Twice, my Lady. People have been in and out all day, and they have kicked up dust. I keep going back to it to dust it off.”

“Show me.”

She let him lead her to her carriage. She caressed the wheel fender and stared at the empty seat. Jamvahn misinterpreted her distress and began feverishly trying to wipe off dust.

“What is it, my Lady? Did I miss something?”

“No. It is fine, Jamvahn,” she said, laying her hand on his back. She felt him quiver. She thought of Khaiu and her face set in anger. “Do you want to kiss me, Jamvahn?”

Jamvahn looked terrified. “My Lady?”

“Do you want to kiss me? Do you want me to kiss you? Would that be better?”
Without waiting for an answer, she brought her lips to his. He pulled away. "What’s wrong? Don’t you like it?”

“My Lady, I – This is wrong, my Lady. If we should be caught.”

“Who’ll catch us? It’s dark. We’re alone.”

“Your friend, Lady Sashwa. She comes every turn looking for you. She could be back any time.”

“Excuses! I’m tired of excuses. I hate them! Do you desire me or not?”

Jamvahn looked at the door.

“Answer!”

“I do, my Lady. But I do not want to die.”

Tavaar wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close. She spoke gently to him. “I won’t kill you.”

“Your father…” he whispered as she pressed her mouth against his.

It wasn’t a great kiss. Comparing Jamvahn to Khaiu was like comparing water to wine. In her heart and mind Tavaar knew why she was doing this, but she didn’t care. Let them be caught. Part of her hoped they would be. Word would get back to Khaiu. Then he would know what she had done – and why. Maybe then he would want her. Maybe then he would come to her and beg her to ask him again.

Jamvahn was beginning to get into it now. Although a reasonably attractive young man, he lacked Khaiu’s passion. On the other hand, he was far more daring. She felt his hand slide down to the hem of her tunic. Then he paused, as if realizing who held him. Tavaar willfully decided to continue.

She put her mouth next to his ear. “Go ahead."

Both of his hands dropped and lifted her tunic up. As they caressed her breasts his kisses became more empassioned. She was enjoying this less and less. It wasn’t working! Desperate to salvage some unknown satisfaction, she tried to put more into it. It wasn’t helping her, but Jamvahn was becoming more animated. She let him have his freedom, hoping to stir something in herself. His hands left her breasts and went down to her pants.

“Tavaar! Are you in there?”

Tavaar wasn't stupid. Neither was she silly. But she did have normal feelings and, like the rest of us, sometimes chose to do things simply to express those feelings.

My goal (I think it was obvious) was to demonstrate Tavaar's need to do something physical to purge the negative emotions which churned inside. She had no interest in Jamvahn, which is why his kisses did nothing for her.

Jamvahn is terrified. If this is reported his life could very easily be forfeit. Fortunately for both of them, the new arrival is Sashwa.

Jamvahn broke away and stood shaking, his face deathly white. Tavaar gave him a look and then pulled down her tunic.

“Over here,” she said.

Sashwa made her way around the carriages. She looked relieved, until she saw Jamvahn. She paused before greeting Tavaar with a kiss.

“Hello, Darling. Where have you been? Everyone has been worried sick.”

“Walking,” said Tavaar, starting for the door.

Sashwa gave Jamvahn another look and followed.

“Walking? Where? Why? Don’t you know how worried we’ve been?”

“Yes. You’ve been nearly sick with it.”

“It isn’t something to joke about, Darling. For all we knew, you had been injured – or worse.”

“Is that all you think of my skills?”

“Oh, come on, Darling. Don’t be like that. I know you’re a great warrior.”

“Then maybe you should allow that I can take care of myself.”

“I’m not so certain about that,” said Sashwa. Tavaar glared at her. Sashwa gave her a knowing look. “What were you doing with Jamvahn? Why is he so scared?”

Tavaar turned away. “Why do you think he’s scared?”

Sashwa blocked her. “Don’t try that with me, Darling! I know you too well. He was positively terrified.”

“What if he was?”

“You were kissing him, weren’t you?”

“That is not a pleasant accusation.”

Sashwa laughed. “I knew it! I knew it! The moment I saw him I knew what you had been up to. Darling! My goodness.”

“What?”

“What? Darling, have you any idea of the kind of trouble you could bring on him? What would your mother say? I bet Odelmaar would kill him. Claim it was an accident or something.”

“I guess he might.”

They started walking.

“So, how was it?”

“How was what?”

“You know. Kissing an Unaligned. What was it like?”

“Why don’t you go find out for yourself?”

“Can I?” Sashwa asked, looking back to the carriage house. “You’ll let me?”
Tavaar looked with incredulity at her friend. It was Sashwa’s turn to feign ignorance. “What?”

“You little hypocrite!”

“Hey, what’s that for?”

“You rail against me for kissing him, but you jump at the chance to do it yourself. What about the ‘trouble’? Uncle Ophmar is as likely to kill him as my father.”

Sashwa grinned and bowed her head. “Well, they don’t have to find out, do they? We could keep it a secret. I’m the only one who knows that you kissed him.”

“And you’re going to hold that over my head?”

“No! You know I’d never do anything like that, Darling. I love you too much for that. But I’m sure we could work out something. Pick a place? A time? We could take them hunting or something.”

“Them? Who’s them?”

Sashwa's chuckle was impish. “Well, he’s got a brother, hasn’t he? I don’t expect you to just stand there and watch. I’ll take Jamvahn, and you can have his brother. How does that sound?”

“Like you have lost all sense of reason. Are you out of your mind?”

“Oh, come on, Darling,” Sashwa pleaded. “You kissed him. Why can’t I?”

“Hey, I’m not stopping you. Go ahead!”

“Yes, but…”

“But what?”

“He’s your servant. You should really arrange it.”

Tavaar shook her head and sighed. “Sashwa, what you’re talking about is against family law. There is no protocol.”

“Oh, please, Darling!” said Sashwa, tugging on Tavaar’s arm.

Again, Tavaar sighed. “Okay. I’ll ask him.”22 (There is an extensive note here. I'll try to condense it: Tavaar kissed Jamvahn out of a need to feel wanted. Sashwa’s desire is based on curiosity and a chance to ‘play dangerously’. Tavaar sees Jamvahn as the driver of her carriage. Sashwa sees him as Tavaar’s ‘property’. In Sashwa’s defense, this is what she would have been taught. In time, Tavaar will correct her friend's perspective.)

“Ask? What do you mean, ask? I bet you didn’t ask when you kissed him. And even if you did, I bet he was afraid to say no. I saw how scared he looked.”

Tavaar was about to argue but stopped. Sashwa was right. Jamvahn had not wanted to kiss. He had begged her not to, even after confessing his desire. He had kissed because she had ordered it.

“Okay,” she said. “I grant you that I did force him. But I’m not going to repeat the mistake. I’ll ask him. If he refused, he refuses. But why are you worried anyway? He’s not going to refuse.”

“How do you know?”

“I wouldn’t if I was asked. Why should he?”23 (Another extensive note: Once again we have a taste of the suggestive play Tavaar and Sashwa enjoyed. What Tavaar and Sashwa enjoyed together was true friendship. Tavaar didn’t feel better after kissing Jamvahn because she bore him no love - and it could not fill the need she had. With Sashwa she got what she wanted: complete acceptance. Khaiu bore her the same kind of love as Sashwa, but the female-male relationship confused it, and it would take Tavaar years to finally understand.)

“Oh, stop it, you,” said Sashwa, playfully slapping at Tavaar.